Most days I wonder how alone I am in the feeling that often I’m not sure I can trust myself in relationships. Relationships of any kind, even my relationship with myself.
For nearly a decade I’ve been intentional about falling back into myself, believing that Me is in there somewhere — if only I can allow the obstacles and barriers fall away. I’ve broken cycles handed down to me from the women in my family. I’ve sat with compassion toward my younger, less aware self and forgiven her for what she couldn’t have known. I’ve grieved what feels like lost years of potential life. I’ve offered myself new narratives to replace the phrase “lost years.” I’ve released trauma from my body with the help of food, Yoga, meditation, and other nourishing daily routines and choices. I’ve surrounded myself with people who love and see me. I’ve said no to people and things that I need to say no to, without putting them out of my heart.
Yet even in my safest, most loving, and cherished relationships, I feel prevailed upon / coerced by / sweet-talked by my old ways.
I feel insecure and afraid. I wonder when the people I love most are going to leave. I neglect important conversations because I’m afraid I’ll crumble if others disagree or push back. I yield to the self-minimizing narratives told to me that still linger in my head. I withdraw. I disconnect. I run away, afraid. Simply put: I have developed habits of forgetting to trust mySelf and the infinite potency of unconditional Love.
All of this behavior has been reinforced over several years and feels very much a part of me, of who I am. But simply put: These things are not Me.
Maybe one of the first things we can do to become more in touch with our true nature (and therefore trust ourselves more) is slow everything down – take moments to connect with our breath, to become more intimate with the rhythm of our pulse, and to just sit in the Observer’s seat – watching things pass through us instead of letting them become part of our identity. In this kind of intentional space, some things will get quieter and calmer and different things will start to arise. Don’t be afraid.
What we notice may be wordless at first. Perhaps we will witness what the body knows, or begin to see colors in our mind's eye, or maybe we will recall some old memory. These thoughts and feelings have become attached to certain kinds of experiences and this is what anchors us to our emotional identities, which we have come to believe is the Self.
Securing time to pay attention in this sacred space where we sit as the Observer is the first step to disentangling some of our more complicated feelings from the events that occur as well as how we perceive ourselves in the world.
No matter how graceful or clumsy it feels, time and energy spent disentangling the old things from the now things so that the possible things can emerge are valuable. This is inner revolution. The first step to experiencing such a transformational force is believing the process is viable.
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What is one thing you can begin to practice every day that helps you slow down and allow yourself to be an objective observer of the beautiful You that you are? How will you relearn to trust yourself? Is it paying attention to just your breath for 5 minutes a day? Is it to write yourself a love letter? Is it to take a walk and pay attention to how the birds play and bask in the sun and never seem to ask, “Am I worthy of this sunshine?” Is it creating a mantra to repeat to yourself or maybe even pin it up on your wall to remind yourself of who you really are?
Love and trust feed and nourish each other. Offer yourself both. You are worthy.
