growth

the currents of Love

One year ago today, I biked 24 miles, putting together the small number of incredibly vague clues I had, determined to find the exact spot where Carmen was last alive. And I found it. I had so little to go on. I listened to what I’d heard, went into his mind, and thought like him. I dipped into the deep waters of him and connected with what I knew. And I found it.

On the way, I collected a small bunch of wild goldenrod as I rode. Every time I’d see some, I’d pull over, pick one or two, and put it in my bike basket, then keep riding. When I had enough to suit my desires, I tied it all together with a piece of long, sturdy grass.

When I jumped on my bike that day, one year ago, I hadn’t ridden my bike more than a mile for a couple of years, I think. Toward the end of that 24-mile ride that day, I thought my legs would fall off. I could barely keep pedaling. But something inside of me kept pushing and burning and moving me – something spiritual and unexplainable. Something born of Love and mystery and passion and connection, and something stemming from a need as deep as wanting to know someone is out there looking for you.

When I did find the spot, there was a deep sense of both connection and loss. Knowing him, knowing Love, knowing grief, knowing I had found what I was looking for while also knowing I never wanted to be looking for such a thing. I sat there silently for a long time. I remember the sound of crickets, the wind blowing the trees, and gently flowing water. I remember the feeling of my hot tears making a silent path down my face. I was sitting with him again. Some part of him was still there, maybe waiting for me to come. I could feel him. And I knew that’s why I’d ridden there. I needed to feel his closeness. And nothing could have stopped me that day from finding that spot, finding that moment with him.

One year isn’t a very long time. Well, it is and it isn’t. As another grieving friend of mine said recently, time splits in two when these things happen. Everything is ripped in half, into “before” and “after.” All of my “before Carmen” days have a certain texture and hue to them. Knowing him made my life more rich and full of illumination. The “after Carmen” days have taken me to a certain kind of dark underworld where fire is changing me. It is painful. It is purifying (I trust). It is transformative.

The loss of Carmen’s physical form has made me primarily realize two things: 1) When you open your heart to someone and they go away, it is an absolutely terrifying thought to open your heart again, and it feels much safer to hide and keep it all closed up; and 2) It’s important and challenging to remember that opening your heart is how you found and connected with this person in the first place, so even in the midst of the unbearable burning sensation you feel inside that tells you to close up, opening yourself to Love and be Loved is why we are here.

I know death. I am intimately familiar with grief in a way I never had been. But Carmen is the first person who has truly taught me that death cannot stop Love. If Love isn’t unstoppable, unconditional, all-powerful, how could we possibly love someone even after they die?

Many days, I am a woman in a sorrowful state. But that’s not all I am. I have a lot of emotions and I choose to feel them. Sometimes they feel like trying to move through the thickest mud or trying to see clearly through a hazy liquid. But being able to feel my emotions, observe them with a sacred kind of honor, while not feeling obliged to let them take me for a ride … this feels like why I’m here.

It is the most powerful, yet-unknown-to-me, unpredictable emotions that teach me that I have a capacity for all things in the universe to exist inside of me. I value honesty and it is important to me that I relate honestly with my emotions. This honesty scares me, but it makes it more natural for me to be able to go into the darker places of myself and not feel like I have to stay there. As Rilke once wrote: No feeling is final.

So as I sit here in Carmen’s boxer shorts and write this, I remember (and hopefully remind you of) something very real: When we stay open; when we let Love be our primary animator, motivator, and meaning-giver; we flow. Openness allows the currents to come and go as they are meant to, and we can be alive. Even when it hurts, Love is the most expansive force out there. So let’s Love.

flower work
is
not easy.
remaining
soft in fire
takes
time.

(nayyirah waheed)

The Best Four Dollars I Ever Spent (Twice)

On a cold rainy night my sophomore year of college, my roommate was out of town. I decided to be my best introvert-self so I headed to the video store in search of a good story. This particular video store had a bin near the front that was full of old discounted VHS movies they didn't see fit to rent out anymore. This was always my go-to spot, and I went digging.

There were some really terrible movies in that bin, like the kind of movies that are not quite bad enough to fulfill the so-bad-it's-good movie requirements, but bad enough that you wonder who in their right mind would fund its production. But that night the bargain bin had a treasure for me: Good Will Hunting, $4.00. I hadn't seen it before, and it was only a dollar more to buy this copy than to rent it. So I headed out with my new movie in hand.

I don't remember the exact details of what happened inside me after I pressed play, except that some thoughts like these that ran through my head: "Why aren't more people like this Sean Maguire character?" (played by Robin Williams), and "I bet doctoral degrees cost a fortune," and "How on earth did a couple of 20-something-year-olds write this??"

Though I remember those thoughts being fast and fleeting, I remember one thing very clearly: that was the night I decided I wanted to pursue being a counselor.

For lots of reasons too personal to mention here, it took me ten years to get my masters in Professional Counseling, but every job I've ever done since that moment has included some form of walking alongside people in a lot of pain. Arguably, the innate gifts needed to be a counselor lie within a person, but meaningful stories like Good Will Hunting can awaken such gifts in a person and open our eyes to new desires and aspirations. (In my mind, this is one of the purposes of story-telling.)

I remember this film revealing to me some of the differences between popular mental health/person care and quality mental health/person care. This was pretty big considering when the story was written, the mental health field was just beginning to shed its stigmas. The subtle commentary made by this film about the importance of the quality of care may have even helped the field of counseling become what it is today. Who knows.

I also remember this film busting a myth for me. It made me realize therapists don't have special powers, they are not superhuman. Quite the opposite in fact.

One essential quality of a "good" therapist or helper is a clear awareness of one's own strengths & limitations without being more focused on these things than he/she is on the person directly in front of them.

A "good" therapist isn't using the person he is helping to make him feel good about himself or good at his job. When I heard Curt Thompson (a deeply dear and wise helper) speak in Philadelphia last Spring, he invited us to ask ourselves this question: Do you ever unconsciously categorize a therapy session as a “good session" simply because it makes you feel like a good therapist? (Ouch. But also, thank you.) This is a lesson well-taught in Good Will Hunting. The main character, Will, cycles through several "shrinks" before meeting one who cares more about Will than he does about feeling like a good therapist.

Fast forward several years.

Last Monday (quite poignantly, a day before the one year anniversary of Robin Williams's death) I was running errands and came across my old friend, the video bargain bin. I went digging. And before I knew it I had a DVD in my hand and I was headed for the register with a smile that must have made it look like I just heard an inside joke.

Good Will Hunting, $4.00.

How does anyone get this lucky TWICE in a lifetime?!, I asked myself. That night my husband and I watched it, and I realized that I appreciate this film more every time I watch it. I also pondered just how ahead of its time it was. And how ahead of my time it was, and how surprisingly formative it's been in making me the therapist I am today.

I may not have realized this as a sophomore in college, but when I watched this film it may have been the first time I realized (before I even really realized) how much being a good listener and helper requires a total revamping of one's measuring stick for and definition of “success.”

Have you ever stopped to consider what may be happening in moments where there is what we may call deafening silence? At least in the Western world, we seem to be programmed to automatically believe that nothing is happening when there is no sound or motion. It makes people feel awkward and compels them to fill the silence, perhaps believing silence and stillness is a waste of time. I disagree with that, however.

What if, in the midst of silence, an internal something that is far bigger and more important than any external counterpart is occurring?

In the film, Will and Sean (his "shrink") have at least two sessions where literally no words are spoken. Does this have any value or is this a huge waste of time and money? I think we're inclined to say, "This is a waste. No progress is being made." This story, however, gives a very realistic example of the power of silence. These dead-silent sessions end up being crucial moments where the therapist earns Will's trust. The movie never comes out and says this explicitly, but I think when Will’s therapist shows him he can handle the silence, he also shows Will that he can handle a lot of other things that normally make people uncomfortable.

Sean, the therapist, chooses the person over an attempt to have something clear to “show” by the end of session. This builds a bridge between them that leads to actual change instead of just “results.”

Now, I know this is just a story, and one story at that. But it’s a really good story. And I can now say after many years of experience with people, it's actually pretty realistic. If you are a therapist, a social worker, a professor, a helper of any kind, please watch this movie again and again. You will see new things each time. It will open up new hidden things in you, I would bravely bet. And if nothing else, you will get a taste of what good listening looks like.

Food for further thought: If you are in a helping profession, what are some barriers for you as you seek to find balance between empirically-sound care for people and the kind of care that can’t necessarily be measured in an hour? Who helps keep you in balance?